Picture: There are some people I would love to strangle… but then there maybe people who want to strangle me…. The latter threat kills the former urge…
I am still on ”vacation”.. Umm no. I am on 360 quarantine. partial quarantine?… Well, simply and honestly put I am engrossed in more and more things, including some useless, life sucking, stressful events that require so much time and energy. It is a part of life. But I would rather fight my demons than be on the internet, gulp beer or coffee and pretend the world does not exist. I am no escapist though I am not fond of fighting forever either. lol. We’ll see.
This blog-post is not about recounting some great adventures but only to update briefly on my life (the only bits I want to reveal, I do have copyright over my life, including the fact that I pee in shower. But then who doesn’t?) and some thoughts that crossed my mind. So here we go:
Book buying binge– I have no idea where it came from. I am obsessive compulsive (a point often made in my blogs) and also extremely impulsive. I am a book lover, of serious, grave, ‘classic’, sombre, educative, provocative, intellectual, informative books; fiction or non fiction. But I always borrowed books from library. And let me boast I have, in this wonderful city of Christchurch, New Zealand, probably one of the BEST PUBLIC LIBRARY networks in the world. I know, rarely anybody in NZ reads my blog (most of active internet creatures that I keep on befriending are North Americans and British crooks, which I am very comfortable with because I AM interested in them) But I would like to express my heartfelt gratitude to the Christchurch City Council that runs, maintains and constantly upgrades these libraries and their extensive services.
I am in the gypsy mode, not knowing where I will reside forever and call that place home. Honestly, maybe I would never like to reside anywhere and will keep moving in my life, i.e. whenever I have the freedom. I will not talk of this more. Let’s come to the books. Hmmm.. so yeah, this almost supernatural impulse hit me. I was on NZ’s online trading site (local version of Ebay) and I started buying second hand books from all over NZ, mostly ‘classics’ of English literature but basically anything from Complete works of Shakespeare, Gore Vidal, Paul Theroux and also bits of Thomas Harris (I just spelled him as Robert Harris and made correction, showing this is not my usual terrain….do I hear Hannibal chattering his teeth?) This book buying madness was true to my obsessive compulsive nature. Despite my poverty I have amassed about $400 of second hand books. Some of them in very new and awesome condition, others musty, tatty and well browned. I enjoyed welcoming all of them as they came to me, one by one, from all over New Zealand.
But here is the thing. In the last 3 weeks, I have been so obsessed with this binge that I hardly read a single book. This is in contrast to my library borrowing days when I often did read at least a couple of books every week. lol But still, these books are here for my perusing and perused they will be. That’s a promise. The other two subjects of this blog revolve around this 3 week book buying binge.
Fakers- This happened yesterday. Quite a few books that I bought online were from Christchurch sellers and I went to their places to pick them up. I bid on 3 books on American politics (Iran-Contra affair, Memoirs of Ronald Reagon and Bob Woodward’s book on the first gulf war and the inside workings of Pentagon, Bush (the senior) administration). So I went to this guy’s house. I knock on the door. No reply. It is 7:30pm and is already dark. There is complete silence around me save the occasional cars whispering past the house, on the road. I knock some more. No reply. I get impatient. I get out my cell and ring his phone. He picks up. A very polite and civilized voice. I tell him I’m outside his door. The door is opened by a handsome man with a very warm, broad smile and twinkling, intelligent eyes. We exchange hellos.
He hands me the books, I put money on his palm and am about to go. He asks me with a warm, friendly smile, ”Just curious, why do you want all these books on America?” I say, ”Ummm.. I am very interested in politics and America. That’s all.” I do have plans to go for American studies sometime in future but I choose not to reveal this and depart. But he beams and adds, ”Me too! I love America. I am interested in all their presidents. I was studying about America about 10 years back. That’s when I bought these books. O, you must read this one about Nixon. I love it.” I appreciate his feedback, ”Yeah? Cool. I will read it as soon as I can. So, you like the Nixon one huh?” He beams more, ”Yeah! yeah! I love Nixon.” My jaw kinda drops, my very tired eyes twitch more and in a confused, tired and husky voice I manage to utter, ”You…. LIKE?…Nixon??.” His smile becomes a bit insecure but retains the warmth, ”Yep… yep. I like Nixon.” I give it a thought for two seconds and say, ”Ok…?..”
Then I left and while I drove back home I wondered if there really are people who actually like Nixon? This really amused me. I thought I would Google this unknown phenomenon, especially spread to Kiwis (New Zealander) who generally hate anything that Republican America represents (Let’s not get into the King of Watergate, I am not going to insult or challenge your intelligence and am deliberately obscure because if you don’t know what I am talking about, don’t read further.)
I take a look at the books. Very nice, hardbacks. Almost in new conditon, considering they are at least 10 years old! I go over their table of contents. Something strikes me. NONE OF THEM is about Nixon… not even partially. I bought (the comments) ,”Read that one about Nixon” thing because actually I did bid on one book about Nixon and I was confused that it was from him. It wasn’t. He was just faking intelligence and understanding of America and American politics. I mean…. not even dressing up partial understanding…. but faking it from the core to the exterior facade. This is comparable to someone not knowing the difference between Bush and bush. You know? How can people be so… well… empty?.. Fake…?
As for me, as I was telling some other friend, I can be proud of the fact that I never fake. I never dressed up my reality before both my online or offline friends that I am poor. I am a loser. And sometimes I may not say it directly but you do know that I am a psycho.
My balls removed because I cannot afford (or am shy of) broadband internet– This story also is related to my book
buying binge. The very last book that I bid on obsessively was Russka by Edward Rutherword. A vast historical novel about Russia and its history. I was leading the bid to the last minute. It was a hardback in excellent new condition. I could get it for as cheap as $6 (including postage). At the very last minute I got an email. I though, ”Voohoo! I won it!” I used my crawling dial up internet to check my email that told me I was outbid by someone else by 50 cents and I need to make a fresh bid within one minute. I was stunned and hurriedly typed the website address. My dial-up took its crawling time and revealed the page to me in about 30 seconds. I click ”bid” and new page emerges as if a cockroach is sauntering from one shit-pile to another. The page opens and it tells me that my bid cannot be placed because the auction has been won by another bidder called, ”Sexybitch”. I fought back tears of frustration. I never felt such gnawing helplessness in my life since my very young days.
Probably I went through similar feelings when as a kid of 6 some older boys would repeatedly peel my shorts down and laugh in groups at the look of my naked butt and the wee-wee. I wanted to stop them but I could not… and it happened so suddenly that I could not check it in real time. And once the harm was done, it was done forever. I felt so…. emasculated as in having my testicles chopped off.
Update and afterword- Broadband internet in NZ has been expensive and heavily capped. I hate all capped things that limit my freedom. I don’t want broadband and then some email telling me I exceeded my limit. Plus, they need one year contract and I am a gypsy. But well, just found an ISP that slows users down to dial up once the cap is exceeded. And there is $100 fine for breaching contract. It sounds reasonable. Maybe I will go broad. I won’t let any Sexybitch beat me by 50 cents. This is not to be tolerated.
